TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of area. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have Yet another area in which American Gentlemen can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set Trump Tower Damascus up in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he need to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a element remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where by my PTSD can have flip-down service."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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